I can't tell you how many photo studio portrait taking sessions I've suffered through in my lifetime. My god, there was always at least one sister who was screaming or being uncooperative. And just when you'd gotten that one calmed down, another one would kick into gear. And finally, after the poor girl who's working for minimum wage to put herself through college is near tears and more and more desperately shaking stuffed toys and shrilling "Look at the monkey!!", my mom would call it done and she'd just pick the best of the bunch. Which, given that there are many of us, usually means at least one of us looked bad. There's one where my sister's eyes are closed and she's wearing an angry smile. There's another one where my other sister, who was maybe 5 at the time, is holding a mini red rubber baseball bat (because she refused to be separated from it) right at crotch level in such a way that it looks like she has a tiny little ding dong (a family favorite). The last photo studio trip was when I was a sophomore in college and I have bug eyes and a thinly veiled look of murder in my eyes.

 

So given all of that struggling to capture our family looking happy for posterity (and failing), this is my new favorite photo.  I yelled "Get over here we're taking a picture!" and it took about a minute to corral everyone. Then Mark snapped the shot and we went on our merry way. There were no matching hand sewn dresses, no elaborate updos, no tears and recriminations. It was so effortless, yet every one of us looks good in the photo and the smiles are all genuine. 

A friend sent me a link they stumbled on to an intranet site at work* that provides diagnostic tests for things like depression, mania, anger, alcohol abuse and Adult ADHD. I’ve often joked that I have ADD, but it was just that, a joke. I don’t have trouble concentrating on finishing a project (in fact, I get very single-minded when I decide to do a project), but I do get antsy very easily and have a hard time sitting still (unless watching tv or reading). I also usually have multiple projects going at once and find it hard to concentrate on things that are uninteresting. Those were some of the areas that the test covered. It explicitly states that I should not use this as a diagnostic tool, but it says I have Moderate ADD! I don’t see how that’s possible?! Doesn’t everyone find it hard to concentrate on uninteresting things? Isn’t that the very nature of the word ‘uninteresting’? I know I’m fidgety, but that’s not really a big deal! There were also some other questions about being on the go a lot or being thin skinned. But I’m just sensitive and busy! I don’t have ADD!  

The good news is that I do not have anger or mania problems. Dodged a bullet on those ones. Those are the ones that make you have no friends and too many cats.  

I find these types of tests both fascinating and dumb at the same time. I like these tests when they reinforce stuff about myself that I already believe to be true, but dislike them when they have a verdict I do not accept. When that happens, I think all about how it’s dumb to think you can know something about a person from 25 questions especially when sometimes you have to pick an answer that doesn’t quite express your real feeling on the topic because a better answer doesn’t exist.  Yet, I still keep taking these tests when I stumble upon them. I don’t know why. Maybe they need a test to test whether or not you have a testing addiction.

Just so you know, I’m not going to seek professional help for my alleged ADD.

 

*if you work where I work and want the link, shoot me an IM.

I just sent out my passport renewal application today. I can't believe it's already been 10 years since I got it! As I was filling out the application and comparing my new passport photos to the old passport photo to check for signs of aging, I reflected on where I was when I got my first passport.

 

It was spring of my sophomore year of college. I lived in the dorms and didn't have a boyfriend. My youngest sister hadn't been born yet and my parents were still married. One of my closest friends from high school had just passed away from cancer. I was stoked about getting into the France Study Abroad program and couldn't wait to leave the country for the first time. I still wore glasses. My hair was barely starting to return to its normal color after a run-in with some hot pink punky colors. I had a nose ring. I drove my roommate crazy by listening to the new Counting Crows album on repeat. I still have some of the same friends as I did then, but many of the people I hung out with then were lost along the way. There were best friends I hadn't met yet. Email and the Internet had only really become part of my life the year before. I was working at the campus radio station. I was 15 pounds lighter. I had never been in love.

 

How could the person I was then have felt so confident of being an adult? I felt pretty much like I had my shit together and knew what I was doing. If you'd asked me if I had a lot of personal growth to do in order to grow up, I would have totally said no. Well, actually, I would have probably said something like, "you know, we all keep growing as people" but would have thought in my head "no". Ha! Little did I know that there was plenty of growing up waiting for me in my 20s.

 

It's funny how everything turns out. I never could have predicted all the twists and turns my life would take. That I would end up living in Seattle with a boy from Chicago that I met on the Internet. That I would work in a technical industry. That I would use that passport to travel to France, Germany, England, Italy, Japan, Thailand, Jamaica, Canada and the Czech Republic.

 

I just keep thinking, what will my life be like in 10 years when I have to renew my passport again? Will I have kids? Will I have a whole different career? Will I still live in Seattle? I can say what I think my life will look like then, but clearly, things never quite go the same way you think they will. Thankfully. I like knowing that there are suprises and changes out there in the future waiting for me, and not just predictability. Where will I travel to in the next 10 years? I'm hoping for Greece, South America, France, Australia, New Zealand.

Yesterday, I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. In the course of this meeting, she asked me if I exercise and I told her I go to the gym. And then she asked if I get out of breath easily. I was all like YES HOW DID YOU KNOW. As long as I can remember, physical exertion has been difficult for me because I have difficulty breathing about 2 minutes into any kind of cardio. For awhile, I just thought it was that I smoked. Then I quit years ago. So then I just thought it was like that for everybody and that they just manage to push through it and get better or something. But in all my years of going to the gym, my breathing has never gotten any better. Hence why I find running to be incredibly torturous. I ultimately resolved this dilemma by either using the elliptical or mostly walking on the treadmill.

 

However! Yesterday, after discussing it with my Dr, she decided I have exercise-induced asthma. Now I get an inhaler! 15 minutes before I work out, I'm supposed to take a puff. I haven't tried it yet, but I'm totally excited to know what it's like to exercise without feeling like I'm going to stop breathing or throw up. Don't worry, I will report back on developments as they occur.