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April 26 Actual Conversation with Suspected CrackheadToday, I left my house to drive to the store and had the following encounter. Man on my block about 100 yards away yells something as I walk towards car. Considering there is often yelling on my block, I ignore it. But then, I realize he is talking to me. "You dropped something!" he says, as he hustles over. "What? Where?" I wonder, having a paranoia of accidentally dropping stuff. I quickly realize I did not drop anything. But alas, it is too late. "Shake a hand and make a friend! I like the way you twist!" he exclaims with crazy, high eyes. I can't adequately describe the eyes of someone on crack - you know it if you've seen it. Eyes open wide with a desperate, manic look and some critical trace of humanity missing. Empty of whatever it is that make eyes the windows to the soul. He is now all up in my grill and normally I would be polite, but since he has the crack eyes, I just put on my "fuck off" attitude from the get go. "No, that's ok, not interested." I shout as I'm already moving to my car at a quick pace. "I like the way you move them hips. UUUH." I murmur unintelligible syllables that are intended to somehow be off puting. By now, I am just trying to get into my car as fast as possible as he follows me, way too closely, all the way to my car door. The last thing I hear him say is: "You want some CHOCOLATE mixed up in all that VANILLA? MmmHmm!" "Nope, I'm good!" I yell back as I get in my car and drive away. I will say that the you-dropped-something pick up method was clever. That DOES always make a person stop and look. I totally should have known better, though. Can't believe I fell for that shit. Afterwards, my first reaction was to laugh this off. I mean, it's kinda funny. But part of me is also disturbed that it happened when I was coming out of my house. I really don't like the idea of this guy knowing where I live (though one hopes he was too high to care/remember). People in my neighborhood have tried to chat me up before, but they were like dudes drinking a beer on their stoop on a sunny day types. Not at all threatening, can't blame a guy for trying, and I think part of it is just customary posturing. Girl walks by, must say hi. But this guy was just off somehow and kinda freaked me out. It's so weird that in the few times I've felt threatened by a stranger, my lizard brain just takes over. I can't tell you a single thought that was going through my head at the time. It was just white noise and adrenaline and instinct. It was only afterwards that I could really process it. And looking back, ya, his lines were funny. The storyteller in me is tempted to retroactively cast the whole encounter as just a funny little vignette even though it was actually very uncomfortable. I guess that's the best way to deal with it, though - just laugh it off. Dispatch From the Temporarily UnemployedI am presently addicted to Vitamin Water, Fruit Punch flavor. I had one for the first time when we were in Florida, and now I've actually purchased them at the grocery store and am up to 1 a day. Growing up, I was probably the only kid who didn't like Koolaid because it was too sweet. Vitamin water is like non-sugary Kooklaid. I love it. The downside is that they are slightly pricey. This is the type of thing that womens' magazines tell you to cut out of your life if you want to start saving money. They're all like, no lattes and you will save 40 bucks a month! Meanwhile, they are totally pimping designer jeans and fancy handbags. Anyway, I figure since I am saving money already, this is a small luxury I can afford.
I got to see one of my lost 90210 episodes today! When I was in France in the fall of 97, I totally missed half a season of 90210. Who knew that Kelly gets shot and gets amnesia?! Bonus is that her doctor was played by Jin from Lost. He has no accent whatsoever. I think I'd heard that somewhere, but it was kind of a trip to watch him speak impeccable English.
I randomly woke up with a craving for a tuna sandwich today. I probably eat tuna twice a year, but today, for some reason, I really wanted a tuna sandwich. I wanted it bad enough to walk to the store and buy pickles for it. I think staying home makes me feel like a kid again and tuna sandwiches are totally a kid staple.
Yesterday, I got into a deep conversation with the woman stocking the shelves at Walgreen's. I was trying to find a new deodorant that smells good because I bought some Ocean Breeze-y one a few weeks ago that I hate the smell of. She started showing me her favorites, we got to talking, I picked out a new deodorant. I was there for like 20 minutes, but did not mind at all. I like when you can take your time with your errands. Most of the time, I'm too busy for that (hence why I had the gross smelling deodorant in the first place).
I've started watching "What I Like About You" from 3-4 every day. It's totally a typical sitcom, but there something to be said for a well executed sitcom. And there is something very cute and appealing about the Amanda Bynes character. I saw her awhile back in "She's the Man" (on a plane) and it was surprisingly decent and she was cute in that too. I like Amanda Bynes! I think I will Tivo the show so I can still watch it once I go back to work. It's total comfort TV.
I also went to the mall, walked with the Podengos, took my jeans to the tailor, played Nintendo DS and Internet'ed. I could get used to a life as a lady of leisure. April 19 The Fourth EstateThe media frenzy around the Virginia Tech shooting is really getting out of hand when this qualifies as news. It seems like all of the news outlets are grasping for any little new tidbit or spin they can get their hands on. I understand that there is going to be mass coverage, but it's the random speculative "expert" articles that have nothing to do with anything that I think are reprehensible.
I imagine that all of the news networks that aren't NBC are just completely pissed that they weren't the network that the manifesto package was sent to. Right now, there are probably a frenzy of meetings being scheduled across the networks to address the "issue".
Network Exec Big Wig: "What can we do to make us more present in the minds of America as THE news network? We need to be TOP OF MIND, people! There is NO excuse [pounds table with fist for emphasis] for this! I want ideas and I want them fast! Next time something like this happens, the big scoop had better come from us!"
Editor: "Well, I have put together a great article examining the killer's actions as viewed through religious theologies? I majored in Theological Studies and I really think this is an interesting spin..."
BigWig: "Shut the hell up! I don't want no stinking church article....well, it can't hurt to run the thing, we got nothing better, but NEXT TIME, this won't stand!"
PR flack: "We really need to get a big brand name on the air! I'm thinking that we do something completely different - let's hire a famous person who is not a journalist. Someone beautiful and that America knows so well from the tabloids! Angelina Jolie! Oprah! Denise Richards - she played a scientist once, right? She could totally pull this off! You know, none of the news channels have ever done this before and I think we could really win share with this!"
BigWig: "Now that's the kind of thinking I like - Maria, put calls into agents of the HOTTEST actresses in town! What else you got?"
Lawyer: "I think we may be able to get access to psychiatric records of major hospitals through a loophole I found! This way, we can compile a list of the top one hundred craziest and most potentially violent men in America. Then we blitz them with mailings and maybe even place hidden speakers in their houses that tell them how awesome we are! I mean, they're hearing voices already, so what's the big deal? I need to look into the potential privacy violation, but if we get this initiative covered under the Patriot Act, it just might be possible..."
BigWig: "These are both great places to start! Keep the ideas coming! I need to adjourn this meeting to make my 10am tee time with Sean Penn."
Blech. On and on.
Rock and Balloon TheoryI think someone told me this once in college and I took the theory and ran with it. The theory is that the most successful relationships have a rock and a balloon. One person is the rock and one person is the balloon tied to the rock. A helium balloon, of course - it's kinda sad to picture a little deflated balloon tied to a rock. Instead, picture a buoyant balloon tied to a fine rock.
I've always taken this to mean that there needs to be one person that "grounds" the relationship - is steadfast, even keeled and has faith and strength - the rock's responsibilty is to keep the balloon from floating away. But the balloon is also critical - it keeps things fun and interesting, it moves the rock along sometimes when it gets stuck in one place for too long.
Apart, both can be very successful in their own way. The balloon can fly around, flitting from one cool thing to the next, learning new stuff, having fun. And the rock is more stable - the rock finds things it loves to do and gets really good at them and the rock knows exactly who they are and what they want.
However, I think a rock and a balloon are better together than they can ever be apart. Having that contrast as part of your life gives you the space to still be yourself but also pushes you to be a better, more rounded version of yourself. A balloon can achieve its flights of fancy with the rock whispering practical suggestions in their ear. And the rock can reach new heights and open up to new experiences with the balloon shouting, "Let's try this! How about that?"
I think we all have a little of both in us, but we are usually more one than the other. I'm sure there are cases when two rocks or two balloons get together and it works. I imagine those families that form a band and tour the country are the result of two balloons. And those couples that enjoy obscure hobbies like orienteering and never forget to do important stuff like buy earthquake insurance are two rocks. I'm a little biased by personal experience, I guess, in thinking that it all works better if you have one of each, but it is my theory so I get to make sweeping generalizations.
I also think that the other key is that sometimes you have to be willing to switch roles when necessity dictates. Even though you are primarily one or the other, sometimes the balloon needs to be strong for the rock, to have faith when it has lost its way. And sometimes the rock needs to pick up the balloon when it's been shot down. That's another thing that makes the rock/balloon dynamic so awesome - being around a rock or a balloon teaches you how to be your foil when someone needs you to be.
And, in case it's not abundantly clear - I'm sure most people could guess - I'm the balloon. A balloon who is very happy to have found her rock. April 17 Eating My Way Through ChicagoWhile in Chicago last weekend, we made sure to hit up all the quintessential Chicago yummies. I for one had never had an Italian Beef Sandwich before. I don't tend to like sandwiches that are strictly meaty (for example, Philly Cheesesteaks, Sloppy Joes), so I was dubious about the whole idea. Luckily, Mark insisted. When he's right, he's right. The Italian Beef Sandwich I had (with hot peppers - I want to try sweet pepper version next time) was a little piece of heaven. The beef was so incredibly tender and tasty. I would recommend that if you find yourself in Chicago, you get thee to Al's! I might have to order a package from them and have an Italian Beef Party.
We also had stuffed Pizza at Lou Manetti's (which apparently Everton McBride thinks is the best pizza in the world). We had to wait for over 45 minutes for a table, but it was worth it in the end. Again, one of my food notions was shattered. I thought that I did not like sausage on pizza. And it turns out that sausage on a Lou Manetti's pizza is an entirely different thing from that yucky, crumbly bits, oddly crunchy sausage that is on most pizzas. It's tender and juicy and in patty form. Surrounded by tons of cheese and yummy pizza sauce. It was amazing. My only regret is that I got pepperoni first and then after trying a bite or two of Mark's sausage pizza, I wanted a piece of my own. But the sausage pizza was already gone (looks like everyone else in our party knew what was up).
When we first arrived from the airport, we hit up one of the millions of hot dog places and got some Chicago dogs (yoo waaant everyting on dat??) and hand cut fries. I love a good Chicago dog. It was the perfect way to start our trip.
Aside from the food, we had a great time hanging out with Mark's family. I feel so lucky that he has an awesome family that doesn't live up to any of the in-law cliches. I actually enjoy spending time with them! At the wedding, when they were posing pictures, the photographer called out, "Let's get the groom's family in here for a photo" and I was surprised to learn that I was included in this grouping. In some ways, it feels so weird to be considered a member of someone else's family. I mean, you spend your whole life with only one family, so to acquire a new one at such an advanced age is a little unexpected. Primarily, though, I just felt happy that his family likes me enough to consider me one of them. April 05 Steamy and Unseemly***Updated with photos link.***
Mark and I spent the better part of last week in the Florida Keys. This trip came about because we (and by we, I mean me) wanted to go somewhere sunny. Since my passport is being renewed (and who knows how long that'll take), we couldn't go to Mexico. Hence - the Florida Keys.
I planned for us to go to Key Largo. I did a bunch of research and it was called "The Dive Capital of the US" so for some reason I thought this meant it would be beautiful and have nice beaches. It did not. Key Largo is pretty much a run down strip mall. And it didn't help that the motel I booked us in was a complete dump (despite getting several very good reviews on Trip Advisor). It was shockingly bad. The floors were sticky. The screens did not line up with the windows so there was a major bug problem. The beach that it was supposedly on was a 5 ft. strip of sand above a bunch of water too full of seaweed to swim in.
We had taken a red eye in and spent most of Thursday napping. We were awoken from our nap by an arguing hillbilly family checking in to the trailer next to our little cottage. Yes, our motel also had trailers as accomodations. I heard the hillbilly kid shout, "This place is duuuurrrrtay!" while his parents argued and spewed the contents of their loud diesel truck into the driveway. When the hillbilly kid thinks the place is bad, you know it's HORRIBLE. Nonetheless, we tried to keep an upbeat attitude, saying things to each other like. "We won't even be spending any time in the hotel" and "It's not so bad, I only got 8 mosquito bites during our nap."
That night, we went to a local pub that had about 10 people over 50 as the entire clientele. We watched one of these women lift up her skirt and put her bare butt on the pool table on top of the hole that a guy was aiming the ball towards. Mark and I exchanged one of those "Did you just see that??" glances. But they did make some of the best burgers I've had in a long time. Go Figure.
As it became clear to us that not only was the hotel a dump, but the island itself was a dump, we decided to get out of there. Ultimately, we were just like, "Dude, we're too old for this. Maybe we're officially yuppies, but we didn't pay to fly down here to go CAMPING in a STRIP MALL."
What we did the next morning was check out of the hotel (had to pay for a second night as a penalty, but luckily they didn't charge us for the remaining two nights) and promptly headed to Key West. Good call. We went to a hotel reservation place and they hooked us up at a Guesthouse (usually old mansions converted into more "inn" type accomodations called Coco Plum. It was beautiful and clean and had actual real windows. We checked in and went for a beer at the Green Parrot - less than half a block away. And that's when our vacation really started.
We really enjoyed our time in Key West. We spent the days sunning at Ft. Zach beach and exploring the cool fort there. Thanks to Key West's open container law, we'd pick up a beer at the Green Parrot for the 20 minute walk to Ft. Zach. Perfect. At night, we'd hit up a variety of bars - the people watching was not to be missed. I think it may not be possible to go a full block in Key West without having the opportunity to say, "Oh man, look at those grapefruits!!" Grapefruits being fake breasts, of course. We nicknamed our trip Grapefruit Watch 07.
Highlights of Key West:
-Alcoholic slurpees. Fat Tuesday's was not our scene, but we'd go in there and get one of their yummy slurpees (with a 1.00 shot floater) and then head back out to the strip. Oh, and Fat Tuesday's also had the wall of shame which was years worth of girls gone wild, polaroid style.
-Late night pizza. There was a pizza place open late and after a night of drinking, we'd get a pepperoni slice each. The food in Florida was primarily junk food, seafood or burgers. I missed vegetables.
-Seeing a musician on stage yelling "Show me your tits!" and then a girl actually taking one breast out of her shirt and jiggling it maniacally up and down much to the crowd's delight.
-We went to the sunset celebration where they have these janky street perfomers and Mark was all like "WOW! Go see the amazing carnies not smoke for 10 minutes!" That pretty much sums up the caliber of their tricks and how raggedy they were. But that comment had me laughing for a good 5 minutes.
The last day, we left Key West and headed up to Islamorada. On the way there, we stopped at a beach called xxxxx and then stayed at the 50's style La Jolla motel (very cute on the outside, strictly functional on the inside) . The beach was a local/family beach, so it was nice to see that side of things. There was a young girl who came onto the beach with a complete Beyonce butt. I mean, huge and round - but no cellulite, just like a huge perfect round booty. We know this because she was wearing a thong bikini. As she was putting on her tanning oil, bending over, the entire beach went quiet and stared. It was one of those things that you couldn't not look at - I mean, how often do you see a skinny girl with a big' ol' booty that is in perfect condition? I actually saw an old man with his wife take a photo. Man alive!
On Monday, we headed back up to Ft. Lauderdale and Mark wanted to stop in Miami to get a Cuban sandwich. I had no problem with this since our flight was at 6:54 pm. Or so I thought. Turns out, that was the time of our connecting flight in Atlanta. For the first time ever, we missed our flight which resulted in us spending an extra night at a Days Inn by the airport. Ah, well. We ate at Denny's and watched HGTV. Not too shabby.
This trip was completely haphazard what with the dumpy accomodations, the lack of guide book, the missed flight - but in the end, we had a great time! We laughed a lot and got to swim in the Atlantic (a first for me) and I for one came home renewed. |
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