I just took two “regional dialect” quizzes and got different yet wrong results from both.

With this one, I’m apparently from the Inland North:

You may think you speak "Standard English straight out of the dictionary" but when you step away from the Great Lakes you get asked annoying questions like "Are you from Wisconsin?" or "Are you from Chicago?" Chances are you call carbonated drinks "pop."

With this one, I scored a 65% Dixie (from the South).

I find this incredibly odd since I’ve never been anywhere near the Great Lakes or the South. And my parents were born and raised in Southern California. Maybe I should try again and try saying stuff out loud. That might help for a more accurate reading?

Reading is a big part of my daily routine, especially now that I take the bus to work. I’ve always read every night before bed and now that has expanded to commute time – about 20 mins each way. Unless I’m really tired, I’ll read at least a half hour before bed and usually more like an hour. If the book is really good, I end up totally screwing myself by staying up super late to read it.

The thing with all this reading is that I have to have a steady stream of books at the ready. Most of my reading material comes from the library (the only time I really ever buy books is if I’m in an airport and need something to read or if this month’s book club book has too long a hold list at the library), so it’s a delicate balance to have the right number of books on hand. I am always adding books to my “hold” queue and waiting for them to come up which means that sometimes it can be feast or famine. Too many books coming up at once or all of my choices stalled with a long hold time (“you are 246 out of 354”). That said, I am in love with the Seattle Library system. You can basically use their online reservation system to put any number of books on hold. I never actually even go to the library to peruse/find books – even if a book doesn’t have a waitlist, I still put it on hold so it’s pulled and ready to go when I get there. I just read on someone’s blog that Chicago only recently got an online reservations system and you can only do 5 holds at a time. And I remember in San Diego, you had to pay a dollar for each book you wanted to put on hold. The Seattle system is therefore very awesome. Just another reason why Seattle and I were meant to be together.

Aside from the practical matter of having books available via the library, I also have to come up with books I want to read. I have a few methods:

1. Amazon.com – I probably find most of the books I want to read on Amazon. They’re good about having Top 100 lists, but I also search on books I’ve already read and liked and use their “Customers who bought this also bought” feature to get ideas. I’ll also occasionally look at the user created lists.
2. Blogs – I regularly read about 20 personal blogs and occasionally end up with recommendations from these. I also sometimes check a book specific blog for chick lit and YA books.
3. Bookstore – If I find myself at a bookstore, I’ll peruse the books they have laid out on the tables and write down the names of any that sound interesting and then request them from the library.
4. General media – These are the books that you just end up hearing about somewhere because they’re getting a lot of buzz or are cited in an article.

Still, there are times when the book comes up off hold and I have no idea why I requested this book or where I heard about it. I’ll have forgotten completely. Recently, I read Waiting for Birdy, a book that I really loved, and yet I have no idea where I heard about it. Too bad because I’d like to go back to that source for more ideas!  

I used to make myself read every book I started. Somewhere along the way, I totally dropped this rule. Sometimes I just start a book and don’t like it. Other times I’ll read a few chapters and get bored. In some rare cases, I’ll just not feel like reading the book even though I can tell it’s probably good and I’ll like it. It’s just not something I’m in the mood for at that time. That happened to me recently with Sacred Games – this looks like a really good book with an unusual premise and I just can’t seem to bring myself to start it. Anyway, I love the freedom of choosing not to finish a book. After years of school reading, it’s nice to know that I’m under no obligation to read a given book.  

I’m writing about this because right now I have no books to read. Whenever I don’t have a book to read, I feel off kilter. My daily routine is kind of messed up – I read the NY Times on my phone on the bus; I just go straight to bed. I feel at a bit of a loss in all those moments when I’d usually pick up a book. Here’s to hoping one of my books comes up off hold soon. If not, I’ll have to start finding some books that aren’t too popular so they’ll be immediately available at the library.

So let’s talk about those introductory emails that go around when a new person joins your company. My former company was lax on getting these out, but my current company does it for everyone – including photo. The intro mail is such a contrived construct. No one wants to write these. You can feel the person who wrote it cringing as you read it. But it’s not their fault – there’s really no way to make these things any less hokey than they are. I mean, honestly, what do you really want to say about yourself to a whole slew of people you’ve never met and will be required to interact with professionally? It always ends up following a very similar template.

Introduction:
First, one begins with a jolly comment about how excited they are to be joining the team! As most people are transplants to Seattle, the writer then transitions into a discussion of where they are from. This is accompanied by a jesting comment about either a) the Seattle weather and their opinion of it, b) their undying love for their hometown sports team (go, Bears!) with a teasing dig about the local sports team (sorry, Seahawks fans!) or c) a deprecating comment about their hometown (I definitely don’t miss the smog!). From there, they may or may not choose to mention the college they attended and their major at said institution.

A Brief History:
Next up, we get a condensed version of their resume with commentary about how this past experience is going to translate into awesomeness at the new company. In this section it is important to remain upbeat about your chosen career trajectory and offer up some vague indication that you like what you do (“One of the things I love about the Internet industry is the ever-changing landscape”). If the person is a technical type, they will throw in what actually feels like sincere commentary about the computer languages (or whatever) they like with an inscrutable geek joke tossed in for those in the know.  

Completely Impersonal Personal Background:
Here, the writer takes a turn for the light hearted to let the reader know that they are not all work and no play. A list of socially acceptable hobbies is usually rattled off and punctuated with parenthetical humorous comments – “I enjoy dancing (you should seem my running man!), fishing and soccer.” If the writer is a parent, the hobby list is preceded by a recounting of their children’s names and ages. The hobby list is then either nonexistent or included with the caveat that they used to pursue these hobbies when they had the time (ha ha)!  

Conclusion:
An invitation to stop by and say hi is extended (with the tacit understanding that no one will ever take you up on the offer). Excitement is reiterated.  

And then, the photo. It’s hard to choose these photos. You have to find an at least minimally flattering photo and really, no matter how flattering the photo, who wants a photo circulated to people before a real life meeting? Only the most photogenic (or least vain), I imagine. Most people choose a photo that’s a little far away and only provides a general frame of reference as to what they look like.

When I’ve had to write these mails myself, I’ve found it excruciating. As an extra treat, below is the actual bio I wrote for my intro email at my current company. I tried to get as close as possible to writing nothing. The photo will not be included to protect the innocent (and unphotogenic) (also, vain).  

<gag>

I got my start in the Internet business straight out of college working as an editor for a search engine in San Francisco. This was back when it seemed like a good idea to have people manually find sites and build a search directory. It's amazing to me how far we've come in the Internet business, and that's what I love about working in it - the constant evolution. After taking a break to teach English in Japan, I moved to Seattle and went to work at X Company. In the 4 years I spent there, I learned a lot about ecommerce and how a successful Internet business works. I'm excited to continue my learning at X Company and look forward to being a part of the team. Outside of work, I enjoy singing karaoke (poorly), knitting, looking for my future dog on Petfinder and watching movies that are so bad they're good. Please stop by and introduce yourself!

</gag>

Anyway, I'm fascinated by these mails and always make sure to read them. There’s just something about the inevitable cheesiness of them that tickles me. Except if I have to write one. Then it is not at all amusing.

Last night, Hobo was a naughty boy. Around 10:30, I let him out for his usual nightly pee. We stood out in the cold for minutes on end because instead of peeing he was listening intently to every flick of a nearby crackhead’s lighter. Or so I thought. After we went inside and upstairs, I found a big ole spot of pee on the bedroom floor. So, ok, he wasn’t distracted by the sounds of the ‘hood, he just no longer needed to go cos he already took care of it, thanks anyway. Sigh. Not a lot you can do about the indoor pee except clean it up and question the universe for the hundredth time about why it had to be the carpet and not the floor. This is, I think, the fourth time he has peed in the house in the last month (he never did before) and after ruling out a bladder infection with the vet (an occasion which required me to “catch” his pee in a Tupperware container and then drive it to the Dr.’s office), we assumed that maybe we just need to let him out more often.

BUT. After the clean up of the carpet, I got ready for bed and climbed in reveling in the warm covers and ready to crack open my bedtime read only to discover a HUGE wet spot on the bed. At that point, I had to conclude that this house pissing is a behavioral problem. Given that our bed is his bed and dog’s hate to piss in their “dens” and are naturally programmed not to, he wouldn’t do it just cos he needed to go – he did it to make a point. I suspect that point is “you must pay attention to me and more particularly you should play ball with me all the time.” 

The Great Discovery of Bed Piss sent shockwaves through our home. Mark was called in to observe the flagrant transgression. First things first, we had to figure out how to address the cleaning up of this blight. Once this immediate concern was taken care of, attention naturally turned to the culprit. All dog training guidance will tell you that you can’t punish a dog after the fact because they’ll have no idea what you’re punishing them about. This is frustrating as a dog owner and also, I suspect, totally impossible. Has anyone in the history of pet owners ever just ignored a pet transgression just because of this very practical advice? I don’t think so. As a human, you feel compelled to “deal with it” in some way and not just walk away. In our case, this usually results in “conversation” with the dog that really does nothing to punish or enlighten the situation for him but certainly makes us feel better for having expressed it. There were definitely some stern words happening while the dog skulked in the corner of the room. He seemed to know that he had GONE TOO FAR or at the very least that we were displeased with him for some reason.

This incident, though, was beyond the pale and we were whipped into a frenzy. There was the alarmist discussion about the recently Googled Internet research (I think you can guess who was doing this research) concluding that a dog should never be allowed on the human bed in the first place because it gives them dominance issues. There were beleaguered pleas to the dog about why he would do such a thing. Talk of how he was spoiled and how we should not treat him like a baby (again, you can guess who this was coming from). There was the suggestion that the dog be forced to sleep in his own bed that night. This idea was absurd unless we wanted to stay up all night enforcing this new idea, but somehow it stuck. The dog has never been made to sleep in his bed and to date it has functioned as a pricey toy box, so the task of getting the dog to suddenly go to his bed is a training effort, not just something that he would miraculously do. That said, he was made to go into his bed where Mark watched over him for a few minutes to make sure he stayed in it. After that, Hobo seemed to know that he was supposed to stay there because he did lay in it looking all schlumpy and sad.

When I turned off the light, and he wasn’t there to cuddle, I felt totally heartbroken. I felt sad that he had to lie in his bed and he probably didn’t understand why and I was being punished too because I love our bedtime snuggle. But I also felt angry that he’d peed on the bed and I also felt frustrated and anxious and clueless about how to fix this new ‘problem’ of his in the days ahead. It was very similar to getting into a fight with your spouse. You’re sad that you have to be angry when you just want to have things be happy and la la and normal. Then you feel resentful that they acted out forcing you to feel all guilty and sad. And then you have that sinking depressing feeling that this problem will never go away and you can’t fix it and it goes without saying that it suddenly seems like this problem is the only thing in the whole world and you forget all the other good stuff for a minute. Of course, 20 minutes after I fell asleep he jumped on the bed and promptly laid against my legs. It was a bittersweet reunion – I was glad he was back but I was still not over it. I couldn’t bring myself to wake up and kick him off, though.

The next morning, I woke up with that same fragile feeling you do after a fight with your spouse. I felt a little remorseful for having been so hard on Hobo in my mind. I felt surprised that I could forget all of his good qualities in the heat of the moment because in the light of the morning I couldn’t help but remember all the good things about him. But my anger and sense of betrayal were still a little raw and he was still a little tentative after getting in trouble, so we were careful with each other. There were a couple of pets, a kind word or two, but not quite the usual exuberant sing-songy morning routine. Like, ya, I’m not mad any more, but I don’t want you to get the idea that this whole thing is over. We’ll still need to address it down the line, buster.

This whole incident stirred up a real gamut of emotions, I tell ya. And we’re still not sure what to do to fix it. There was some talk of training him to go to his bed and only get on our bed when invited (though this really has nothing to do with him peeing on the bed – dogs will pee on your bed if they’re mad at you even if they are normally never allowed on the bed). Consideration also turned to his ball obsession – if we weaned him from the need to play ball all the time, maybe he wouldn’t pee on the bed as payback when we didn’t play enough. Ultimately, no conclusions were reached. Just like spousal disagreements, it will likely be forgotten until the next time it comes up. 

I’m always surprised when I end up liking a food that I used to dislike. I’ve always thought plain yogurt eaten straight was no good (fine for raita and the like, though!). On a whim, though, I bought some plain yogurt at Trader Joe’s because I also found a blackberry fruit sauce there and I thought they would be good together. Once I got home, I realized that the fruit sauce was in fact jam. Huh. Not very good for mixing. So now I had this huge tub of plain yogurt and I didn’t want it to go to waste. I decided to try it with a little honey. And, dude, that stuff is good! I always thought that plain yogurt was sort of too tart and flavorless but that’s because I was expecting it to be like fruit yogurt. Once I stopped thinking of them as being in the same family, my opinion changed. The tartness contrasting with the occasional bits of honey that didn’t get stirred in all the way is delightful. It’s my new favorite thing to eat. Sometimes I add frozen berries and that’s really good, too. A little honey and a change of perspective = plain yogurt convert! What next? Books about native cultures?